Closing in on my sophomore year. I cannot believe I am halfway through college. COLLEGE. It is all so surreal. I feel like I have gone through so many experiences in such a short amount of time that some people only experience in a life time. I have fallen in and out of love. I have gained and lost friendships. But I have not quite learned that much about myself yet.

My freshman year of college, I was almost sure that I met the love of my life and call me crazy, but we are close to one year of having broken up. May 18th. I only remember it because that was the day I got my permit. I have come close to falling in love again, but nobody measures up. Nobody measures up or they just learn sooner than he did that they cannot deal with my level of crazy. I was not even really falling in love though. I was just heavily infatuated with the idea that I could have a future with this next person. Of course that did not work out in many cases.

I continued to hook up with my ex in the beginning of my sophomore year until he began another relationship. It hurt more than anything, so the best medicine was to get drunk and hook up with other guys. I am not proud of my current standing in the number of guys that I have hooked up with since we have broken up, but that’s my own fault and I just have to deal with it. Although after his failed relationship, we began another relationship based solely on physical attraction. Basically, we only have sex. I have come to accept these terms because I he hates my personality just as much as I hate his. He’s only good for one thing to me now: his body.

Now every guy after him. There has been about one or two that have really stuck. Three. One because we have known each other since high school, but are no longer on speaking terms. I take full responsibility for this because I did hook up with his roommate. I only took action because I did have a crush on him since my freshmen year of high school and he was a senior. But number one also did not define our relationship. Number two. We got along well, but he did not want a relationship after having just broken up with his girlfriend. Whatever. He was shorter than me anyways. We shared one good night with each other on Halloween. We were just so wine wasted that we both did not remember how we got into his bed the next morning. Twist: fully clothed. Surprisingly, we never “slept” together. Number three. Where do I even begin? He is the only thing that seems to occupy my mind these days. He is older and much more experienced than I am which was one of the most intimidating things when I first met him. 

I had the mindset that it was just a hook up and will amount to nothing in the end, but who the fuck knows now. We had a good thing going until my feelings became too heavy. I was getting a lot of mixed messages, not only from him, but also from friends. He wanted it, but just not as much as I did. So we stopped talking for a while. When we finally hung out for the last and probably final time, it was like nothing had changed. I wasn’t afraid to be myself around him and it was just comfortable. But then, out of blue, he has to leave because his business did not take off like he had hoped in Arizona. I was crushed. We spent his last day together packing (he mostly packed and I slept on his couch, hungover from the previous night). When he left, I spent the entire day crying and used the excuse of being stressed over my finals when I called people to talk. 

He had the opportunity to leave plenty of times before we decided to hang out again, but I feel like he just wanted this one last time with me before he really decided to leave. I cannot decide whether this is a good or bad thing, but either way it hurts.

I have been told plenty of times that I am still young and I am going to meet so many people, but who knows. Maybe I have already met the one. I am not implying who it is, but shit. 

I have forgotten the dates that I have been on in between, but I guess they do not mean that much if they have not been mentioned until, well. Now.